Observations About Kayaking That Are Also Metaphors For Life, Like, Just If You Think About It

In an effort to get more exercise, avoid thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe, and Try Something New, I started kayaking lessons.

Kayaking is dumb. It’s the dumbest thing you can do on the water in an oversized plastic coffin with a plastic stick. I love it. I’m so bad at it, you guys. Here are some observations about kayaking that are also metaphors for life, like, just if you think about it.

To paddle your kayak in a straight line you need to draw your paddle as close to the kayak as possible. This is a lot harder than drawing your paddle away from the kayak, which will send you spinning in a circle, so you need to practice it.

There are lots of reasons why you can’t draw your paddle close to your kayak - the kayak is too wide, the water is too choppy, the drag of everyone else’s kayaks is putting you off. When you can paddle in a straight line, all those things suddenly stop making a difference. Weird.

If you flip your kayak and fall out, you have to leave your kayak upside down, swim with it back to shore, and start again. If you try to flip your kayak back over in the middle of the river, it will inevitably fill up with water and sink to the bottom.

If you’re kayaking on your own, you need to think about the shoreline and how you’re going to get your kayak out of the water if you flip. Make it easier for yourself. Don’t kayak next to a wall.

You cannot get more wet than when you deliberately flip your own kayak, fully clothed; after that, getting rained on is like being towel-dried with tiny drops of water.

It’s harder to flip a kayak if you are physically light.

The best way to get warm at the end of your lesson when it’s ten degrees and raining is to help everyone else drag their kayaks up the beach and load them onto the trailer.

Kayaking is really tiring if you have noodle arms, but then you get to see everything - your university, your city, your life - from awholenother perspective and it’s worth it. (You guys. I got to go inside the blue boat house. Technically the blue boat house is private property and I will deny everything.)

Sucking at kayaking with a bunch of strangers who also suck at kayaking is so much fun.

You cannot think about keeping your kayak in a straight line and the inevitable heat death of the universe at the same time.